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Grief is the anguish we feel when we experience a significant loss, like the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a serious medical diagnosis. Grief is a natural and healthy response to loss. During the grieving process, we may experience all kinds of difficult and uncomfortable emotions, from shock and confusion to anxiety and depression. Though working through grief can be messy and complicated, it most often resolves naturally over time and is a necessary part of processing, and ultimately accepting, the loss that we have experienced.
Depending on the loss you experience, you may feel a different kind of grief.
Different Types of Grief
Depending on the loss you experience, you may feel a different kind of grief. Examples of different kinds of grief include:
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief comes before events that we know will be emotionally challenging, like anticipated loss of a loved one, a challenging move, going through a divorce, or loss of anything else that we value. While experiencing grief leading up to the loss can be difficult, it can also provide time and space to emotionally prepare for the event.
Grief From a Sudden Loss
When loss is sudden and unexpected, such as when a loved one dies suddenly or we get laid off from a valued job, grief is likely to be acute for a while. This experience can feel overwhelming and can affect our ability to respond to practical needs—such as settling an estate after a loved one dies—or to the emotional needs of others. A sudden loss can also be harder to accept because there is no time to prepare for the loss.
Cumulative Grief
Cumulative grief occurs when we experience multiple losses close together, such as losing a loved one and then making a disruptive move. It can also occur when we experience similar types of grief on multiple occasions, especially if the first loss was never healed. A new loss, even if it occurs much later, can bring up unresolved feelings and compound the grief from the first loss. This can lead to what is called “complicated grief”—when feelings of loss are persistent and interfere with life or other relationships. In this case, it can be helpful to process the unresolved feelings with a mental health professional.
Absent Grief
Absent Grief is the name for when we feel like we’re “not grieving as much as we should.” It can happen for a number of reasons, such as when we’ve already processed our feelings through anticipatory grief. It can also be a sign that we’re delaying or avoiding fully feeling our grief, or we have unrealistic expectations of how we should be grieving. Depending on your situation, feeling less grief than “normal” may actually be normal for you.
Grief can feel very isolating. It’s important to stay connected with loved ones and lean on your support network. That can include a mental health professional who can help you process your grief, or a support group for people experiencing loss. Expressing our feelings with people who are supportive of us can be cathartic.
CISM Chaplain Oscar Smith
